They said hell would freeze over first, but I won that bet.
I am having a baby. Well, technically, Erika is having the baby, but this is not about her, it is about me. If she wants any glory, she can send out her own damn press release.
I am pretty sure it is my baby, but until DNA testing is complete, I will not rule out the father being the waiter at our local Olive Garden. I have long been suspicious as to why he gives her extra breadsticks and completely ignores me.
We had our first visit to the OB/GYN Dr. yesterday and Erika is around 8 weeks pregnant. She made me wait this long due to some bizarre wives tale that says you can't tell anyone too soon or the baby will be born a werewolf. She actually wanted me to wait another 8 weeks, but I told her if we were to have a werewolf, then we would be sure to get our own reality show on TV and I could quit my job.
I know most of you have all done the child thing 30 - 90 years ago, but it was very cool to see the sonogram of the baby and to see that little beating heart. I can't wait to have this child and bug the crap out of all of you with incessant updates about all the milestones the baby is having (I especially relish sending out a photo of Erika breast feeding the baby as our Christmas card this year). Our Dr. was some British guy. I say was, due to the fact that during his initial examination of Erika, he asked us if we had any questions and without thinking (a rarity for me), I blurted out, "Why the hell do you people boil your meat when cooking? Don't you know that ruins the flavor?"
Anywhoo, we had to go to the lady at the front desk to find another Dr. and as she was giving us the names of the other obstetricians, I heard her say the name, Dr. Champagne. I thought it was cool that this was an alcohol themed office and politely inquired if there might be a Dr. Bacardi available, but sadly there was not so we went with the bubbly dude.
We will not know the sex of the baby for another month or so, but I have always known that if I was to ever have a child, the Universe would surely give me a girl to punish me for my past adventures as a single man. I am fine with that and will do my best to keep my daughter locked in a basement or small closet until she turns 28.
The purpose of this press release was to get out in front of this story before all of you read it while standing in line at the supermarket pretending to not be looking at the cover of the National Enquirer. I know that I will be talking to all of you in the coming weeks or months as you call to offer Erika your most heartfelt condolences in having to raise a helpless child AND a newborn baby at the same time.
As much as this will cause most of you discomfort, there will be more of these updates in the coming months.
I am having a baby. Well, technically, Erika is having the baby, but this is not about her, it is about me. If she wants any glory, she can send out her own damn press release.
I am pretty sure it is my baby, but until DNA testing is complete, I will not rule out the father being the waiter at our local Olive Garden. I have long been suspicious as to why he gives her extra breadsticks and completely ignores me.
We had our first visit to the OB/GYN Dr. yesterday and Erika is around 8 weeks pregnant. She made me wait this long due to some bizarre wives tale that says you can't tell anyone too soon or the baby will be born a werewolf. She actually wanted me to wait another 8 weeks, but I told her if we were to have a werewolf, then we would be sure to get our own reality show on TV and I could quit my job.
I know most of you have all done the child thing 30 - 90 years ago, but it was very cool to see the sonogram of the baby and to see that little beating heart. I can't wait to have this child and bug the crap out of all of you with incessant updates about all the milestones the baby is having (I especially relish sending out a photo of Erika breast feeding the baby as our Christmas card this year). Our Dr. was some British guy. I say was, due to the fact that during his initial examination of Erika, he asked us if we had any questions and without thinking (a rarity for me), I blurted out, "Why the hell do you people boil your meat when cooking? Don't you know that ruins the flavor?"
Anywhoo, we had to go to the lady at the front desk to find another Dr. and as she was giving us the names of the other obstetricians, I heard her say the name, Dr. Champagne. I thought it was cool that this was an alcohol themed office and politely inquired if there might be a Dr. Bacardi available, but sadly there was not so we went with the bubbly dude.
We will not know the sex of the baby for another month or so, but I have always known that if I was to ever have a child, the Universe would surely give me a girl to punish me for my past adventures as a single man. I am fine with that and will do my best to keep my daughter locked in a basement or small closet until she turns 28.
The purpose of this press release was to get out in front of this story before all of you read it while standing in line at the supermarket pretending to not be looking at the cover of the National Enquirer. I know that I will be talking to all of you in the coming weeks or months as you call to offer Erika your most heartfelt condolences in having to raise a helpless child AND a newborn baby at the same time.
As much as this will cause most of you discomfort, there will be more of these updates in the coming months.
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