Baby Alex is born!

Hello Everyone!

Baby Alex entered planet Earth at 12:39a.m. on September 13, 2011!

Alex and Erika are both doing great, but since Alex decided he didn’t want to be in the limelight (he had to have inherited that from Erika!), at the last minute we had to organize a commando raid and take him out via C-Section. He came out at 6 pounds 8 ounces and was 19 “ in length. When they brought him out and laid him on the table, I jumped up, hit the play button on my portable I-Pod stereo,  ran to the table, picked him up and held him over my head as  the theme from The Lion King blared throughout the delivery room.

I felt like Mufasa and pretended that Alex was Simba as I danced and sang about the room. I had just started into a spirited version of Hakuna Matata, when I felt a sharp pain in my arm. When I woke up back in the private room with Erika and Alex, I was told my behavior was obnoxious and annoying to the Dr’s and nurses in the delivery room, so they shot me full of Demerol and grabbed Alex out of my arms as I fell to the floor. Slightly embarrassing, but hey, it is not like I am going to ever see those people again.

Anywho, I just got back home after no sleep at all and am going to bed for a few hours before going back to the hospital dressed as Tiger from Winnie The Pooh. I know a back entrance to bypass the guards, so what could go wrong?

I can hardly wait until Alex does something truly monumental, like his first solid poop or when he points at the mailman and goes, “Dadda”

Pregnancy Update

OK, I know it has been some time since Press Release 1 and I have had so many people clamoring for another one (actually, the only people bugging me for more news about the baby was my cousin that works in Nicaragua, who is starved for any news from the U.S. and some guy in prison who posed as a girl on an Internet dating service that I wrote to 10 years ago), that I knew I had to send out an update.

First off, Erika and I are having a boy! I can almost hear the disbelief of most of you who were absolutely convinced that the Universe would punish me for my past indiscretions and would give me a baby  girl to worry about for the next 40 years. Well, shame on you for thinking such evil thoughts. For some reason, we thought we were going to have a girl and I was getting excited about that possibility, because face it, little girls are cute and total nut-jobs! Who else would pair red boots with a pink tutu and a beret just to go downstairs for breakfast (full disclosure here, I did dress like that once, but it was for Halloween)?

A boy! Wow! Very cool. I can’t wait to show him his first worm, build a fort with him in the backyard with 2 chairs and a blanket, teach him to ride a bike without training wheels, throw a football with him and most importantly,  teach him the difference between Van Halen with David Lee Roth and Van Halen with Sammy Hager (“Son, it’s like the difference between filet mignon and Spam”).

After many nights of screaming, crying, temper tantrums and lying comatose in a fetal position for hours on end (all by me while Erika sat and laughed), we have come up with a name……Alexander or Alex for short. I wanted the name to be Adolf and Erika was pushing for Mortimer, so I think we came up with a decent compromise. Erika is due on September 14^th and some ne’er-do-well at a party last week warned us that we could not have Alex on September 11^th, as it would be bad luck. I told the fool that I am not worried about that and if Erika did indeed go into labor on that day, well Duct Tape has a thousand and one uses.

We have been getting the house ready for baby Alex (baby gates for the stairs, painting the nursery area, installing electric wire on Daddy’s liquor cabinet) and just biding our time until the big day….the start of preseason for football and of course, the arrival of baby Alex.

Erika has been doing just fantastic. So far, an easy pregnancy for her (I have been having a hard time, put on some extra weight and my pants are making my butt look big), but she has been quite unhappy with having to give up the high heels and her cool clothes.

I have decided that this will be my last press release, as I think I am going to start a blog about an insane man who decides to have his first child at 52 years old. It will be full of laughter (seeing my  boy smile for the first time), tears (me changing my first diaper) and stories of how cool it is to finally get my chance to raise a good human being. Details of the blog site to follow sometime in the next few months

Pregnancy Announcement

They said hell would freeze over first, but I won that bet.

I am having a baby. Well, technically, Erika is having the baby, but this is not about her, it is about me. If she wants any glory, she can send out her own damn press release.

I am pretty sure it is my baby, but until DNA testing is complete, I will not rule out the father being the waiter at our local Olive Garden. I have long been suspicious as to why he gives her extra breadsticks and completely ignores me.

We had our first visit to the OB/GYN Dr. yesterday and Erika is around 8 weeks pregnant. She made me wait this long due to some bizarre wives tale that says you can't tell anyone too soon or the baby will be born a werewolf. She actually wanted me to wait another 8 weeks, but I told her if we were to have a werewolf, then we would be sure to get our own reality show on TV and I could quit my job.

I know most of you have all done the child thing 30 - 90 years ago, but it was very cool to see the sonogram of the baby and to see that little beating heart. I can't wait to have this child and bug the crap out of all of you with incessant updates about all the milestones the baby is having (I especially relish sending out a photo of Erika breast feeding the baby as our Christmas card this year). Our Dr. was some British guy. I say was, due to the fact that during his initial examination of Erika, he asked us if we had any questions and without thinking (a rarity for me), I blurted out, "Why the hell do you people boil your meat when cooking? Don't you know that ruins the flavor?"

Anywhoo, we had to go to the lady at the front desk to find another Dr. and as she was giving us the names of the other obstetricians, I heard her say the name, Dr. Champagne. I thought it was cool that this was an alcohol themed office and politely inquired if there might be a Dr. Bacardi available, but sadly there was not so we went with the bubbly dude.

We will not know the sex of the baby for another month or so, but I have always known that if I was to ever have a child, the Universe would surely give me a girl to punish me for my past adventures as a single man. I am fine with that and will do my best to keep my daughter locked in a basement or small closet until she turns 28.

The purpose of this press release was to get out in front of this story before all of you read it while standing in line at the supermarket pretending to not be looking at the cover of the National Enquirer. I know that I will be talking to all of you in the coming weeks or months as you call to offer Erika your most heartfelt condolences in having to raise a helpless child AND a newborn baby at the same time.

As much as this will cause most of you discomfort, there will be more of these updates in the coming months.